"NOW IT'S REAL" - what reality show contestant hasn't said these words? How many times when watching them on Top Chef, Project Runway or any one of the other ones have we laughed at them and said "Duh!" I guess the end seems so far away that we convince ourselves it will never come and when it finally does, we're surprised.
Anyone who knows me or has read this blog for any length of time will know that, from birth, I have always watched too much tv. It was my companion when I had few friends or I needed to hide from the kids who bullied me. A lot of kids, escaped into comics or books, I did a little but it was mostly tv. So it should be no surprise that I quote tv show contestants when writing a post of this importance.
It is almost the 2 year anniversary of my mom's diagnosis of lung cancer and since then it has been one elimination challenge after another. She's been safe in most, won one or two and even was in the bottom twice. But each time she came back with renewed confidence and hope and the desire to win. I learned this week that 95% of my attitude has been really channelling my mom's energy and determination. I have been as optimistic and positive as she and I have done every thing I can to support my teammate. 48 years ago, we made an alliance to go to the end together and although it's been tested, it's has never been broken or betrayed.
Back in the fall, I started to think, privately, that maybe it would be best if one morning she didn't wake up, she was never going to have a high quality of life again. My mom believes differently. She is not ready to go. Not then, not now.
Last week, for the first time, I said, "NOW IT'S REAL."
A few days later, Friday afternoon, the doctor spoke to me, my dad and my sister. It wasn't the first time. At 4 am on Saturday morning, my mom woke me, she couldn't breath and wanted to go to the hospital. Thankfully, I keep an excel list of her medications, doctors, and complete medical history that I update to document every doctor visit and medical issue no matter how minor. Although all her doctors are in the same hospital and all the records are mostly electronically organized and accessible, it is remarkable how much more efficient and accurate it is to hand the doctor - in the ER or your primary - these papers at each visit. If you don't tell them what has happened, they don't seem to pick it up in their charts. I also get as many copies of lab work as I can and I have color photocopies of her ID and insurance cards. These simple things are so appreciated by the nurses, doctors and administrative staff. It also seems to earn a bit more attention and respect and in better and more attentive treatment for my mom.
By Saturday night, the new tests were in. Even though she had had a CTscan on Tuesday, they did another along with and EKG. We jumped from elimination challenges right to the final round and she will not be named the winner.
They discovered that her breathing problem was caused by fluid around the heart which they can treat but the true source of her fatigue and breathing issues the last few weeks wasn't her new chemo but that she had had a silent heart attack. She also has an untreatable blood clot in her heart that could cause a stroke or most likely (and hopefully (being truthful)) her death. In addition, she has a floating mass in another part of her heart which is probably the cancer spreading.
Mom can go at any time or months from now but either way, the end is in sight. I was rather peaceful yesterday. It feels like relief but I suppose it's also shock. She's still in the hospital but doing well and walking around and was very chatty last night. We haven't told her everything yet and will likely not tell her about the clot that could end her life at any second. Who needs to know that? It helps me that I'm able the share it with you - just to release it. Thanks.
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| Tramp with Mom |
I'm not sure exactly what the next few days, weeks and months will be like. Mom will come home - there's no doubt. There have been many times, way too many, when I have looked at her sleeping in the recliner or in bed and have struggled to see signs of her breathing. Or looked at her still closed bedroom door and wondered if I wasn't going to be able to wake her and how would I tell my dad or my sister or my nephews or Truvy and Tramp (they are so sensitive to how she is doing and treated her accordingly).
So this is it, this is it. The final challenge and my favorite is not going to win. Thanks for reading and in advance for your words of comfort and positive thoughts and energy. It means so much. Wow! Two tv references - I iz so koulturd.
We loved this show and watched it every week.
The lyrics are words to live and dance by.
Now I'm crying.
